The darkness
in your heart is
overbearing
I’ve been a fool
to think that you
Would go on changing.
I reek of dried blood
And forgiveness.
September 2012
1 post
August 2012
2 posts
your mistake
when I say “later”
You assume “never”
kick me out
and have a shout
threw a tantrum
threw your phone, then
cracked your screen and
I hope you’ve learned:
don’t lash out
at things you care about
July 2012
3 posts
it’s three in the morning and I can’t sleep, so I start looking at all the photos of you on facebook.
What me?
No, never.
June 2012
14 posts
and then.
As my consciousness slowly evaporates, I wish I could somehow remember this glorious nonexistence. But slowly I forget myself, all of myself and remember nothing. Yet in this nothingness, something carnal, something instinctual remembers what its like to be part of the universe again.
Kittens and perogies make lonely nights more bearable.
“Well I think all that dieting stuff is stupid, because Sunday I didn’t eat any ice cream and I gained 4 pounds, and then yesterday I ate a quart of ice cream and lost a pound.”
—Overheard, a rather-hefty woman on her cellphone as she perused the candy aisle in the grocery store. (via cranquis)
“I wish I’d done everything on Earth with you.”
—F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby (via theunquotables)
“But in reading great literature I become a thousand men and yet remain myself.”
—C.S. Lewis, An Experiment in Criticism (via larmoyante)
intellectualized justifications for douchebaggery.
First, I pretend to be a dick. Not a complete asshole, but the right ratios of passivity v aggressiveness to really get on your nerves. I want you to realize that I’m a douche. I want you to hate me, not because I want to hurt you but because I want you to realize that you’re better off.
However, looking deeper inside I see the darker nature of my actions.
See, it hurts me to treat you like this. Except I’m a bit of a masochist, so in a sick twisted way I’m kind of enjoying it.
On further reflection, I begin to be afraid to admit things to myself. In my subconscious, there are fragments, incomplete thoughts. From these invisibilities I trace that I might want revenge. Revenge for the countless of times I was the reasonable one and you were the angry one. Revenge for the times your negative emotions spilled onto me and threw me off centre. You really got to me. Your petulant and infantile behaviour had me breaking my teeth off trying to bite my lips.
I’m not proud of this. I have voices in my head telling me I’m wrong for doing this, for putting you through such and such. But I just don’t care. It scares me that I can embody such darkness. This isn’t the person I am, but I am this person right now, and I hate it. But I kinda like it.
Because I’ve come to realize that you treat the people closest to you the worst. Your friends love you because you are amazing to them. You reserve your monsters for those who you love. I can only speculate as to why. Feelings of ownership, mixed with extreme comfort around a person. Probably because you think you can get away with it.
But now the final justification for these actions rears its head in my mind. I realize I don’t want you to love me anymore. I don’t want you to treat me like this any longer.
And I really hope we stay friends, because you’re a wonderful person at that distance.
